Mourning Sickness
An editorial by The Peridot
September is National Suicide Prevention Month. The Peridot Network is a safe space. This is a happy place. In order to continue to foster that environment and maintain genuine happiness, I have learned that it is necessary to process all of my emotions. The joyful highs and the deep sorrow. I am practiced in introspection. I know that there is a breakthrough on the other side of the un-comfortability of vulnerability.
I have been in a perpetual state of mourning. I cycle through the stages of grief like Lance Armstrong’s Tour de France run. I know I am not the only one going through it, because all of us are living on this planet. The bullshit is GLOBAL!
Chadwick Boseman passed away on Friday, August 28, 2020. His death broke something in me. For the entire year I have been trying to function under extreme stress and through extremely peculiar circumstances.
Let’s recap without inducing a panic attack, shall we.
The Persian Gulf crisis erupted on January 3rd of this year, inciting anxiety over the start of a potential third world war.
Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gia, along with two other families and their young daughters died tragically in a helicopter crash on January 26th.
A global pandemic has touched ever corner of the world with a total of 30.3 million cases worldwide and 948,000 deaths to date (September 18, 2020). The United States accounting for 201,000 of those deaths. Over 200,000 souls lost in a nine month span, deaths that were mostly premature and preventable.
A quick caveat, I see people making false equivalences to the amount of yearly flu deaths to the amount of deaths attributed to COVID-19. The time span in which the deaths are being counted is the first fallacy. According to the CDC, the 2018-2019 influenza season accounted for 34, 200 deaths. The season was measured from November 2018 to February 2019. 89,000 human beings died in a four month period, on average, from COVID-19, that is over double the amount of deaths due to influenza. Now compound those deaths, because we’re not just dealing with the flu. We’re dealing with the flu AND COVID!
Some people have politicized their response to the pandemic and questioned its efficacy of damage, some have even accused it of being a hoax. The over 200,000 lives lost, and the ripple effect of all of the lives that their loss impacted is no hoax.
We were inundated with the brutal murders of Black citizens by “law enforcement” officers. Elijah McClain, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, Rayshard Brooks, and the countless and nameless others whose lives matter.
The frustration overwhelmed us and overflowed into the streets to protest, to riot, to fight back. A civil unrest. “No justice. No peace.” A battle cry.
It’s a lot to say the absolute least.
I was crumbling under the weight of the a lot.
I feel such an immense sense of loss, and that has had an undeniable impact on my mental and emotional health. The stress that the a lot created, manifested itself physically.
I’ve been working to come to terms with reality. Working through the different ways that I grieve. I have been crying a lot.
I weeped for Chadwick and Kobe, like I knew them personally. Someone whose art impacts you, you do feel like you know them, because they diligently shared their gifts with you. They fulfilled their purpose. Thats the solace we get. That even in their short lives, they lived full lives, and they used up all of their talent. They wasted no time. They did not waste any of the gifts God blessed them with. They were generous and committed to staying the course in doing what they loved to do.
I think it is so unfair that evil people continue to dwell here and get to fucking exist. It is so unfair. I know you shouldn’t wish death upon anyone, but evil fucking people living long lives to well over seventy and eighty years of age, and they’re just ugly despicable people on the inside and outside. They have ugly fucking politics. They have ugly fucking plans that they implement that kill innocent human beings, and ruin lives. And they still exist and are thriving? You’re telling me them motherfuckers can’t get colon cancer? Them motherfuckers can’t have strokes? Them motherfuckers can’t have heart attacks and brain aneurisms?
Like they right there! Get their asses out the paint!
Then the other part of my brain thinks, “you know what, perhaps the people that got out of here early are the lucky ones. They don’t have to keep on trying to exist in this fucking hellhole.”
I’m just sad, and I have been for awhile, but I remember that I have to process all of my emotions. I may be sad, but I am also blessed. I am able bodied. I’m not worried about affording or providing my basic necessities, shelter, or food. My family has been kept throughout this global pandemic. For that I am very thankful.
Life provides us with the most extreme juxtapositions. We get to witness great adventure, beauty, exploration, wonderment, fulfillment, and purpose. Life can be really magical. Those moments are fleeting. The appreciation that we have for these times is because life is also tragic. Life can be utterly devastating, it can and will bring us to our knees, and make us beg for mercy. So we’re grateful for grace, when we get it.
The reality of the situation is that none of us will make it out alive. We’re going to go through life for however long we get, and none of us knows how long we have.
For some of us, our lives are short, but dynamic and powerful. In the short time that they had they were very effective and efficiently did their job. They fulfilled their purpose. They touched lives and had an impact, whether significant, or sweet and just in passing. You felt them in some type of way. That’s what life is about. How we relate to one another.
“Did you get a chance to love somebody in your life?”
“Did someone get the chance to love you…for who you are and what you did?”
I hope I have a few more days left in me. I hope that I get even more opportunities to love, spread love, show love, and be loved. Out loud. Not just romantically, but familial. I love my parents. I love my grandparents, my godparents, my siblings, my aunts and uncles, my nieces and nephews, all of my cousins and all of my friends.
When I am not grounded in that love my thoughts can overwhelm me and manifest my inner saboteur. The devil has used my self-doubt as ammunition to distract me from my purpose. I can and will no longer allow that. Those negative thoughts do not reflect reality. They are figments of my imagination, crafted by my anxiety. The craftsmanship is so good sometimes, it does feel real. It engulfs me until it fills my lungs and drowns me in the deep sorrow. I now know that I can’t be both worried filled and faith filled. It’s one or the other. It is a strategic distraction of the enemy to use my own mind and thoughts to mentally sabotage myself. I will not be an accomplice to my own demise.
I love myself, and the best way to honor that love is to be on a continuous quest of betterment. It’s not a perfect journey. It’s not an easy journey. It ain’t always rigorous, either. But it does and will require some level of effort. In the words of Rihanna, “Work."
I want to impact the people that I can. I cannot save the world. It's just not realistic. “Girl, you ain’t that important.” It’s a whole bunch of us motherfuckers out here. But what we can do is impact those we can, so when we do transition on to the next, we have a legacy to leave behind.
